How to Keep Your Cool in Conversations: Don’t be a feedback drama llama

My name is Selina, and following on from the drama throughout Christmas, I can proudly call myself a reformed people-pleaser and rescuer.

After all, everything intensifies during the Christmas period when there are sometimes more people than chairs, too much rich food and alcohol, and not enough toilets - it's a recipe for disaster.

I used to don a cape and act as a "rescuer" in my unhealthy family dynamics. The needle-like words exchanged between my mother and grandmother often cause discomfort.

Yet, my 90-year-old, 5-foot-tall grandmother loves to say, “I just won’t say anything,” only to insult someone else within a few minutes, making them feel like a victim, as she assumes the role of the persecutor.

And it’s not just our families where these roles play out. It may sound familiar to our relationships with people at work, too. But why does this happen? Are we doomed to forever fall into drama with friends, families and co-workers?

The drama triangle

Let’s start by looking at the drama triangle, first used by psychiatrist Dr. Stephen B. Karpman in the 1960s. It refers to how we can sometimes fall into specific roles—the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer—when communicating with others. It may seem harmless on the surface, but let's explore each role, and you might start to recognise how you've unintentionally created this drama at work, especially when giving or receiving feedback.

• The victim: This is when someone tries to convince themselves and others that they cannot do anything for themselves. Kids often fall into this role when they want their own way. They've learned that if they need help, someone else will do it for them.
• The persecutor: Sometimes known as the villain because they are critical, manipulative, and controlling. Think of Mufasa in The Lion King. They can revel in others' pain, but the reality is that not many people fall into this role. Yet, we make up stories about a person, especially if they have hurt our feelings. Surely, the other person should just know, right? But have we communicated our needs?
• The rescuer: This is the person who tries to keep the peace and save everyone, enabling others to stay in the persecutor and/or victim role. One of the lessons I've learned is to stay out of it because they’ll always figure it out themselves.
  When communicating with others, people can fall into the role of a victim, persecutor or rescuer. Being aware of these different roles can help you identify both your own behaviour and that of others.

Why do conversations go wrong?

As a neurodivergent individual, I can see things through a different lens, especially when it comes to feedback, which sometimes feels like an emotional rollercoaster. Something called a ‘negativity bias’ is an evolutionary quirk that makes us focus more on the negative as a form of self-defence.

This can make it hard to receive feedback because it can make you miss out on valuable learning opportunities. Combine that with the drama triangle, and it's no wonder feedback sessions can sometimes feel like an episode of Eastenders.

But you can sigh in relief because there are ways to navigate this. Purpose-driven feedback is constructive and clear to help keep a person motivated. This isn’t formulated overnight, and here are some helpful pointers to stop you from presuming the role of the persecutor.

Five easy ways to give feedback at work

• Regular check-ins - to see how a person is doing. When there are genuine relationships, it’s easier to have discussions about more difficult subjects. Kim Scott, the author of Radical Candor, says, “People evolve, and so your relationships must evolve with them. Care personally; don't put people in boxes and leave them there.”
• Open and honest communication: One of the key elements to help feedback be successful is to have a frank discussion, considering each other’s communication styles and feelings. If you provide feedback, leave the door open for it to be returned.
• Accountability: Feedback isn’t one-sided and requires both parties to be invested. For example, if someone had previously mentioned wanting to take on more responsibility, one of the questions you could ask is, “What have you done differently since we last spoke? Or have there been opportunities for learning and growth?”
• Clarity: Specificity is crucial. After discussing everything, it’s helpful to provide a written summary to be reviewed when emotions are not running high.
• Balanced approach: A popular method is the sandwich approach of providing positive feedback in between negative feedback. Although some may believe you don’t need to sugarcoat anything, feedback can be a hard pill to swallow, so always consider the other person first.
  
  If you’d like some support for your team to avoid becoming a drama llama during feedback, get in touch with Doug and he’ll share how we can help - doug@laughology.co.uk